Bizarre Interviews: Part 3

Ghosts and Cheap Glitter Unicorns

These are the interviews that are bizarre because they never materialized. I’m not talking about the silly ‘easy apply’ button on LinkedIn where there’s zero probability that you will ever hear anything—I’m talking about full applications with a tailored resume and personalized cover letter. Sometimes even a detailed online application to boot. The ones where you are actually a good fit for the job and you start to imagine yourself at the organization. The ones that you really spend time on and then…nothing. Ghosted again.

It would be way too depressing to count how many times this has happened. Most recently, I applied for a very cool job with an amphibian conservation nonprofit. I have a Master’s degree in amphibian population biology and have taught AP Environmental Science. I’ve also held leadership positions in nonprofits. Don’t you think that I would have gotten an interview? Yeah, me too. It makes me feel like I’m at a party and I’ve got a big piece of spinach stuck in my teeth and toilet paper stuck on my shoe and nobody is telling me. Or worse, that I’m like Elle in ‘Legally Blonde’ and I showed up in costume when it was just a regular party.

In an effort to do something different for a different result, I’ve pursued some professional support to help get past the application filters. I’ve yet to have someone explain specifically how a well-educated and qualified adult with a diverse resume gets through these digital contraptions. Like, seriously, what the Hell is happening in that software? And everyone’s got an opinion. The career counselor says do these 5 things. The HR person directly contradicts at least 4 of those 5. Radically different feedback comes from my C-suite friends. What’s a girl to do? If someone else says, “You just need better keywords”—I’ll scream out loud. I’ve peppered my resumes and cover letters with keywords from the job postings like my high school English teacher said I used to do with commas in my essays. {She gave me a huge red “F” and kicked me out of her Honors class. Then she sent me to remedial grammar. I’m a much better writer because of it; however, I’m still mildly traumatized.}

One episode that sent me into a tailspin of…can we call it rage or should we call it despair? I got an email from a job amalgamation site about being a match for a fabulous opportunity. I immediately dropped the morning’s to-do list and tweaked my resume and cover letter for the position. Then I clicked on the APPLY HERE button and was directed to a page that said—

This job posting has expired. Applications are no longer being accepted. Thank you for your interest.

After reassembling my brain, which had exploded, and harnessing all the feelings and energy from my agitated aura, I called the HR department of the company. She said, “Oh yeah, sorry. I’m bad at forgetting to take the jobs off of the online boards. We hired the person for that job last week.”

WTF!

After a bit of job seeking, it’s evident that many/most employers are looking for “Cheap Glitter Unicorns.” This is easy to see when you look at a posting and you have to scroll to read through all the bullets on the list of job responsibilities. Literally it’s laughable sometimes—you wonder if anyone actually read through them. Next, you have to keep scrolling to read through all the bullets on the list of qualifications. They might as well say: we want you to be able to do all the things and we’d like for you to be exceptionally overqualified yet have no salary requirements. Yep, when you see the compensation, it’s ridiculously out of line (read: low) with what’s being asked of the job. Glitter Unicorns cost money, people!

Sigh.

Faint of heart need not apply.